Sunday, 27 January 2019

It's not easy

I swear it is not easy,
I cry every night,
Sleep and wishing all the thoughts vanish from my mind,
But when I wake up, my pillow is still wet,
I don't wanna fall for this trap forever,
I don't wanna be sucked into this hole forever,
Little mistakes break my heart so bad,
Little jokes tickle my laugh so bad.

Wednesday, 2 January 2019

Sabar, your time will come



Hi, Assalamualaikum. Happy new year to everyone. Semoga dimurahkan rezeki dan dikurniakan kebahagiaan di tahun baru dan seterusnya. Honestly, seusia Fara yang pertengahan 20 an ni, Fara selalu mencari2 apa pengertian kehidupan Fara, orang putih kata quarter life crisis. Selalu tertanya, apa tujuan Fara, kenapa takdir hidup Fara berliku2, kenapa tak dilahirkan dalam jasad orang lain dan macam2 lagi soalan dalam kepala Fara. 

Beberapa hari lepas Fara ada dengar satu ceramah di youtube, dari Ustaz Hanan Attaki. Dia ada sebut satu kata2 dari Saidina Umar, katanya, dalam medan peperangan, kemenangan itu bukan bergantung pada pihak mana yang paling kuat, tapi pada pihak mana yang paling sabar menghadapi ujian, sabar untuk bertahan semua kesakitan. Which is really makes sense. Kalau kita tak sabar letih, sakit dan kepenatan berperang, mesti kita akan give up separuh jalan. So boleh dipraktikkan dalam semua aspek hidup kita, tak kira la kerjaya, cinta, hidup, persahabatan dan sebagainya. 

Kita sebagai hamba ni kadang2 mesti akan ada waktu mengeluh, kenapa selalu sangat ditimpa musibah, diberi ujian yang kadang2 kita sampai tak mampu nak tanggung. Kenapa Allah patahkan hati kita, tak bagi kita dapat apa yang kita nak. Kadang2 kita nak sangat2 kat sesuatu tu, tapi tanpa izin Allah memang tak dapat. So, kita sedih, merungut, kecewa. Tapi ajaibnya Allah gantikan dengan yang beratus ganda lebih baik, dan paling penting Allah ganti pada waktu yang paling tepat! So kunci nya kesabaran je sebenarnya.

Bukan lah bidang Fara nak cakap pasal agama, just sharing my belief and experiences. Paling penting kita kena redha dan sentiasa percaya dengan perancangan Allah. Dia lebih mengetahui apa yang kita inginkan dan perlukan. Fara rasa paling terharu bila Allah menjawab doa2 yang Fara tak pernah luahkan. Kalau ada angan2 or sesuatu yang kita nak, tapi kita tak pernah cakap kat sapa2 pastu tiba2 Allah bagi benda tu kat kita. Time tu memang rasa sangat Allah tu terlalu dekat dengan kita, ada dalam diri kita. So, apa2 pun halangan dalam hidup, jangan putus asa. Your time will come.

Sunday, 30 December 2018

Kisah Anggur Hitam



Anggur hitam tanpa biji, antara buah yang menjadi kegemaran Fara selain pomegranate dan grapefruit. Sangat refreshing manis, rangup. Anggur hitam ni juga buah kegemaran arwah abah Fara. Sejak parents Fara bercerai, kitorang adik beradik dibesarkan oleh ibu, tapi abah hari2 datang jenguk kami, bawak balik makanan sebab rumah abah tak jauh pon dari rumah kitorang, jarak dalam 10kilometer saja. Sejak diorang bercerai tu jugak la Fara stop bercakap dengan abah, selagi dia tak tanya apa2, Fara memang tak kan bercakap dengan dia. Sampai la Fara besar, kuat sangat ego Fara ni sebenarnya kalau Fara rasa orang tu ada buat salah dengan Fara, Fara akan stop bercakap dengan dia.

Mungkin sebab marah kenapa dia tinggalkan ibu yang dah setia bersusah senang dengan dia. Tapi Fara tahu abah seorang yang sangat bertanggungjawab dia sanggup buat apa jua kerja untuk pastikan kitorang makan. Serius, arwah sangat2 rajin, kitorang bukan orang senang jadi sejak kecil Selain bekerja sebagai attendant hospital, Fara tengok macam2 side income yang abah buat. Pernah cuci botol sama2 dengan ibu, cari dan jual besi buruk, jual buah, baiki tv, radio, barangan eletrik. 

Masa kali pertama Fara dapat panggilan dari pihak penaja mengatakan Fara dapat fly ke Russia untuk buat medic, abah lah orang yang paling happy, sebab dia memang nak sangat Fara jadi doktor. Adik beradik yang lain semua engineer, so Fara je la yang ikut jejak dia masuk medical field. Right after dapat call tu abah ajak Fara pergi supermarket, masih terngiang lagi betapa ceria nya wajah dia, dia hadiahkan Fara anggur hitam tu. Betapa bangga nya dia bila ada anak dia yang dapat jadi doktor nanti.

 Dan dia sangat harap Fara dapat bekerja di hospital Kemaman, tempat kerja dia jugak. Tapi sebenarnya Fara memang taknak kerja kat Kemaman. Hahaha. One thing about abah, dia tak pernah marah anak2. Kalau dia sedih ke susah ke semua nya dia pendam sorang2. Lepas arwah meninggal, kitorang sekeluarga jumpa dengan kawan baik abah, dia pun bercerita yang arwah kalau ada masalah akan menyendiri, duduk kat tempat sunyi sikit, pastu berfikir sorang2. Ya Allah, masa dengar tu rasa sedih sangat. Kalaulah Fara ada keupayaan dan kemampuan untuk bantu abah dalam semua masalah dia. 

Dia jenis yang tak banyak bercakap sangat, tapi sangat2 helpful walaupun orang selalu ambik kesempatan pada dia. Dan dia lah yang ajar Fara untuk buat baik dengan semua orang, bantu orang walaupun orang tu layan kita jahat sekalipun. Dia tak pernah ungkapkan benda tu, tapi Fara belajar dari perbuatan dia. Benarlah yang Allah maha melihat, setiap perbuatan kita akan dinilai, jangan kerana orang buat jahat, kita nak turut sama jadi jahat, tak boleh macam tu kan. 

Dah lebih 2 bulan arwah pergi, Fara harap dapat bertemu arwah lagi di syurga nanti. Maafkan segala dosa Rah ya abah. Nanti kita jumpa nanti, dan Rah sedekahkan pahala2 yang Rah ada untuk abah.
 I miss you so much.


Wednesday, 12 December 2018

Find your common values




One of my favourite saying is "bird may love a fish, but where do they live? " Maksud ayat ni, seekor burung mungkin cintakan ikan, tapi bagaimana mereka nak bersatu kalau habitat mereka berlainan. Kalau pilih darat, ikan akan mati. Kalau pilih air, burung akan lemas. Sebagai analogi pada hubungan manusia yang nak menyampaikan bahawa pentingnya ada common values and same world outlook antara kedua2 pihak dalam hubungan.

Maksudnya di sini, persamaan dari segi pandangan mereka terhadap dunia, tujuan mereka hidup di muka bumi, dan juga perancangan masa depan. Sesetengah pasangan yang muda especially mungkin tak fikir jauh sebelum pilih untuk commit into a relationship, mereka fikir yang cinta tu segalanya. Even worse kalau mereka sering argue dan bergaduh tapi still kekal sebab masing2 takut dengan kehidupan tanpa relationship. What i'm trying to say is they might try to hold onto the relationship just because we are afraid of loneliness or detachment. 

Sebaiknya carilah pasangan yang ada planning masa depan yang lebih kurang sama dengan kita. Doesnt matter kalau dia tak bekerja di bidang kita atau mempunya minat yang berbeza, tapi kena cari yang tahu macam mana nak meet us halfway. Kalau kita seorang yang workaholic, bercita2 tinggi, ambitious, pilih lah pasangan yang sama tingkah nya dengan kita. The rational is, we can't change people. Dan tak boleh ada niat untuk ubah diorang untuk ikut cara kita dan ikut pace kita. So, to make our relationship runs smoothly, better to find someone yang kita tak perlu ubah.

For me personally, one of my ultimate dream and principle is to make my parents happy but at the same time I am a very independent child. So I really am looking forward to have a partner who loves and prioritize their parents but still has their own successful independent life. Selain tu, I ni seorang "people person". I suka kalau dapat tolong kawan2, masak2, bagi diorang makan, or simply just borak dan gelak2 dengan orang pun I rasa happy. So obviously I need someone as giving as much as I do. So then we can rock the world together, and make super babies hahaha.

And ada something I nak share, I ni seorang yang mudah terhibur gak la, happy go lucky, suka gelak, suka buat lawak. So obviously funny guy memang senang a plus point la. I used to know a guy yang cakap something like "is that even funny, am I supposed to laugh" bila I gelak kat something yang I find funny. I don't know if he just teased me or memang sense of humour dia tak sama level dengan I but seriously kalau partner yang don't get our joke or susah gelak memang potonggggg. Tinggalkan je diorang nanti sampai ke tua la diorang serius aje. YOLO. Hahaha. 


Monday, 3 December 2018

Why Alone Time Is Important


Alone time is essential for everyone no matter how socially butterfly that person is. Let's be honest, during every day interaction with friends, colleagues, family members or even random person are kinda tiring and energy taking. Especially if you are someone with sensitive heart, you kind of absorb their energy including the negative one which pretty much influence your whole mood and eventually drain your energy. 

Some people might not understand the importance if giving personal space to others. Especially when we are in a relationship, or friendship, there might be someone who is a little bit territorial or "possessive". They demand for your time a little too much and get upset when you can't meet their expectation. They are actually lack of sensitivity towards other people's privacy. I mean, yeah we can't expect everyone to understand it, and some people might never get it. So, you should know how to explain it in the right way to them. 

Obviously there are too many reasons why everyone deserve to have their alone time. One of the obvious reasons is people need to "recharge" their power. In order to stay productive and charismatic, one needs to stay energetic, mentally and physically. And I feel like everyone needs to feel like they own themselves, by means of freedom to do their own stuffs without obligation or other people's approval and what not. In a simpler word, nobody owns anyone else.

And commonly people mistakenly think that alone time is similar to "silent treatment" and get super anxious and uncomfortable with the silence. Well, to be honest, I did think it that way, until I realize that I shouldn't expect everything to be in my way, and to get upset when things not up to my expectation is plainly stupid. But like I emphasized in my previous post, try to think of others, observe and understand their actions. And once you understand their pattern, you won't get upset for the same reason the next time. They might be just tired and wanna have some good rest, so have some respect, give them space and time. I can guarantee, once their energy restored, they'll run back to you, faster if not tighter. 

Wednesday, 28 November 2018

Expressive Doesn't Mean You Love Better



So, basically in my current relationship, I always am the more expressive side. Well, I write about him in my "love book",  hopeless romantic, Lol. I tell all my friends about him, I post his photos and what not. And somehow I feel like I'm being too much because he in the other hand never post anything about me on his social media. But, he actually introduce me to his best friends, friends and acquaintances in real life. I guess that's much better. So, because of our differences, sometimes I have a thought like "is he really loves me as much as I do or  can he really reciprocate my overflowing amount of love" because obviously I won't settle for less. I mean who should? 

But, in reality, that's actually how we both differ from each other. We may have the same amount of love, but we express or portray it in a very different way. I remember back then, he told me that he is a practical guy, who walks his talk. I wasn't really understand what did he mean back then because not much things can be proven when you just started a relationship with someone right? But, as time goes by, all his words make more sense. And yeah, he is true about that. 

He really is a very responsible guy, calculative, in a good way. Like he gonna plan everything nicely before jump into those stuffs. Unlike me who have more of an experimental attitude. The thought of him making plans for his future which includes me in it is very sweet. I think that's the purest thing a guy can do to a girl that he wants to commit. And another attitude that I love is how sensitive he is towards my feeling. I feel like if someone really cares about you, they will try their best to make you happy and comfortable around them, never take your feeling for granted and pay attention on what stuffs do make you happy and what is it that you don't like. 

We girls might need some reassurance once in awhile, and get really anxious if guy doesn't really show his feeling. But trust me, if you want to have future with them, you really need to learn to understand them. Because everyone love in a different way and as love is a two players kind of game, so you must learn to give and take as well. And if thing doesn't go in your way, try to think positive about it. Try to look things in another persona's side, be considerate. There's shouldn't be any competition between you and your partner but work as a team.

And another attractive attitude is consistency.  He should be consistent with his presence, not just an amazing 2,3 days talking and ghosting. Build the dynamics from days to days and only then comes a stable long term relationship. And he should always keep his promises, or at least be the same person he was when he first try to hit you and the person he is now. I mean, it's common to have arguments, small misunderstanding and what not, but you just know it if he really serious, he will fix it, together with you. And trust me, all those arguments and shit will actually make the relationship better as long as you wanna learn from it.

And I think I understand quite enough about love, that I have thought of giving him freedom of finding his happiness even if it doesn't includes me. Even if it gonna cost our relationship, I'll still let him chase it because what is the point of being together if one side is actually suffer from it.